I’ve never been so lonely. Laying here without her. Knowing she’s the one and yet I am unable to have the drive to be better. I know why I can longer go home. I understand. I agree with my punishment. I just am so scared that this is the end. She is the light in my eyes. She is the warm flesh wrapped around me. She is my laughter and my smiles. She is my wife.
I never saw myself reflected back in the face of others when I was growing up. Looking at my parents, family, friends, images in the media, I never saw the part of me that I was trying so hard to hide. At only 5 years old I vividly remember feeling ashamed, scared, and less than. I learned at a young age to adapt, lie, and always be on my toes. I didn’t hear the word gay until I was in the second grade but I immediately knew what it meant. And I knew to deny it.
We’ve come a long way since 1984. I turn on the TV and I see people that represent the once hidden parts of my psyche looking back at me. We still have to fight through poor stereotypical representation at times but progress is visibly being made.
Today’s historical significance cannot be under estimated. It represents a lifelong internal struggle to feel equal, to come to grips with who He created me to be, to not feel like an abomination. It reaffirms my belief that I am a human being, also created in His image, but maybe just not the image that you had picked out for me. Today won’t instantly change this country’s opinion towards who I am and who I love but it’s a great place to start a dialog with both sides on more equal footing.
Today as I look at all of the social networking Equality signs please know that it means the world to a person like me. It represents all of the love, compassion, and acceptance that I never thought I would find as a child. Not only do I know I am not the only one that struggled growing up, but I can actually see the Aunts, sisters, parents, cousins that I once thought I had to hide myself from symbolically standing up with me with one small but much appreciated gesture.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
— So you say
It’s not okay to be gay
Well I think you’re just evil
You’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces
Your point of view is medieval
This morning my chest is tight although I’ve only had good news. I can feel the pull of my pectoral muscles, the burn, the anxiety creeping outward. Soon my arms will feel cold and tingly. Soon my head with swim with thoughts. Breathing slow and steady to push off this certainty. But it’s coming.
When you have a bipolar episode it’s hard to describe. Most people like to blow it off. We’ve all been depressed or anxious before, right? I doubt they’ve packed their belongings and tried to rent a car for a cross country trip on a whim. Talking a thousand miles a minute about how they have to bolt before they try to hurt themselves or someone else. Watching their spouse sob and beg them to calm down and just take this pill. When you come to the next day and feel somewhat normal the memories feel like a movie you once watched…you kinda remember it but you saw it from a distance.
The hardest part is not knowing the future. After 6 medicinal changes in 4 months its been impossible to predict the future. I wish I could hold my wife’s face and promise a brighter future. I wish I could promise to never lose control and curse in her direction. I wish I could promise to just be me. The me she married.
But I can’t.